Thursday, May 6, 2010

Turn Around, Bright Eyes...

Well, Bear disagrees that GaGa is brilliant. "A House Divided Will Not Stand". PolarBear (Hannah, in case you forgot), teach him this lesson.

Anyway. Onto some thoughts.

You ever been walking down the road, turn around, and look at where you were? The terrain you crossed? Maybe just realize what it took you to get there?

I did that tonight.

What do Nelly, The St. Lunatics, Tupac, Juvenile, Manny Fre$h, "The No Limit Soldiers", Bone Thugs -N- Harmony, and Dre have in common? Other than the obvious (they are not white and are rappers), each one was a part of my past. More specifically, junior high and high school. For about an hour I reminisced with a couple friends about how much we loved those jams. It brought among more conversations of times past. Good and bad memories. Times that we were in funks. Top moments in our lives. Pretty much the conversation that teaches you more about a person than any other. It brought me to one story.

It was the morning of a December day. I went to bed way too late that night (and one of the craziest things ever happened to me, but that's for a different day). Naturally, I wanted to sleep in. A phone call woke me up that morning. It was my best friend. Not weird for him to call me that early...he did that often to prove to me that he was more responsible than I at that point in our lives. Jobs in high school are overrated. Tone of his voice, way different than usual. He had called to tell me that my girlfriend's dad died. As I type this, I can vividly remember the way I felt. The lack of response. Holding the phone in one hand, as I bent over feeling as though I was going to throw up everywhere. Shaking. I still get that feeling. Every. Time. I remember driving through the remains of the blizzard that had happened the night before to get to her house. The entire time, praying that this was a joke. Like I was getting punk'd. It wasn't until I made the right turn onto Valley View Drive and saw the cop cars that it HIT me. This was reality. I remember walking into the house. There's not a whole lot that I regret in my life. For I have seen good come into a lot of my mistakes. I saw my girlfriend when entering the house. I gave her a half hug. I don't know why. She probably didn't even notice it. But it bugs me. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I'm not sure why I remember that. Why I didn't fully embrace her, I am not sure. But I always look back and wish I had. Although, the showing of community that poured in that house that day was unbelievable, it was one of the worst days of my life. At one point, me and my best friend and girlfriend were laying on a kitchen floor, bawling. Like...river of tears. Confused, pissed, frustrated, sad...beyond sad. One of the worst days of my life. The entire day, I will never forget. I will never forget the food that was brought by friends. I will never forget being in the room at the end of the night sitting with friends and family. I will never forget her mom's words. "We are going to be OK." I will never forget this day. The way it changed everything.

It changed me. For the good. It changed my view of everything. It rocked my world. It made me question my worldview. And through the questioning, an eventual strength that was greater than before. It taught me how to get outside of myself. It taught me compassion. It taught me how to love practically. It brought all of us together. In a weird way, we all knew that there would be a connection, one that would not leave us soon. Looking back at that day, it seems like another life, another world, thousands of years ago. I still love my ex-girlfriend. Obviously not in the way that I did back then. And even if I would never talk to her again, we will always be connected because of that day. All of us. And how it changed us. She has a boyfriend now and is very happy, and I am very happy for both of them. If you would have asked me back then when we broke up, I would have said it was the worst thing that could happen. However, it became clear that it was the best thing that could have happened to either of us. Despite our growth that we experienced, whenever my mind goes to that day, I wish he was still here. He was a great man. Even in the brief period of time, I learned a lot from that man. But that December day. That day is something that I will always remember. Always. Because I loved that family with all my heart. And I always will.

You ever been walking down the road, turn around, and look at where you were? The terrain you crossed? Maybe just realize what it took you to get there? Because more than likely it is a painful, treacherous road. One that often times does not make sense. In the end it seems, we are better for it.

Sometimes, the best thing we can turn around, and look.



Christie said...

I turn around and look at that day all the time. It changed me too.

Abby said...

Jordan, thank you. That day meant something different for all of us. You are right in the fact that regardless of life's ever-changing events, all of us will always share that common thread. I am thankful, even today, that you five were the people God placed in my life to endure that with. I feel like I'll always keep enduring it. Your words are helpful, inspiring, and need to be heard. Keep writing. I'm proud of you, friend.

Mandy said...

These are some good words, Lama.

Not many people can say they've been through this and thoroughly understand how it feels when you're in those moments, but sadly, I can. It was a foggy December day for me, when I got the phone call at 5:21 am from my mom saying that my dad was gone...

I look back on random moments of that day all the time...people in and out of the house, hugs, tears, even laughter, meat & cheese trays galore, unanswered questions, wondering who would walk me down the aisle when I got married, and my best friend Amanda there doing our dishes and anything she could to help.

I know you being there for Abby then meant the world, half-hug or not.

Thanks for the reminder to look back and see how far we've come even through changes we wish didn't have to happen.