Saturday, April 9, 2011


I'm not a man that deals well with a first. The first time I flew time stood still while my stomach felt the need to create art through the expression of my last meal. My expectation of pain before my first tattoo sent my body into hyper-drive. Twenty minutes under the gun and those expectations were flushed out. They fashioned a new whiter version of me. The tattoo artist generously gave me a soda to increase my bodies sugar levels. Seriously, who needs a soda just to get a simple tattoo?

Recently I've encountered a new first that has overshadowed my first of the past. I allowed myself to get comfortable in the world created by a Christian education institution. Let me explain this. I gratuated from Lincoln Christian University almost two years ago this coming summer. This was a place that filled my plate spiritually and challenged my critical thinking while keeping me safely stacked away inside a Christian community. Now for the first time I'm realizing the challenge of continued growth through self-education. School provided substance for life and it came without a great effort on my behalf. I was provided with knowledge, not necessarily seeking that knowledge without assistance. This is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. For months I really did not know how to react to this new conundrum but through reflection and blessed experiences I've come to a conclusion on my new first that will hopefully make this experiences outcome a little better than my previous stories.

God placed me in a structured learning environment to prepare me for the unstructured classroom found in what we call life. This classroom is filled with insurmountable knowledge in a variety of places. If you look close enough you can see God teaching in all things at all times. The faces of the professors are different now. They come in different shapes and sizes. Lessons are being prepared by co-workers, friends, fiances, and children. I think i misspoke when I said that I've entered a non-structured classroom. It's still structured but in a different way. School was structured by man but life is structured by the creator.

I remember the first time I rode a bike on two wheels. I left the dinner table went outside and started riding. In the beginning I struggled but through discipline i grew in my ability to just go. God has already provided my means of new education. It's up to me to trust and just go.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Feeling The Pull

Well, I just graduated. That was big. I began to listen to this song called Feeling the Pull by The Swell Season and realized I am too feeling the pull. I feel the pull to something greater. I know that nothing spiritually, emotionally, socially, or anything of that sort changed when I turned the tassel with my classmates, but at the same time it did. I want to start life. It's a sad feeling, realizing that you have to grow up. And there is always a part of me that will never be a grown up. That's the way I like it. But I feel the pull. The pull towards love, towards truth, towards life. And at the same time, I feel small against the big sky. Love, truth, life drags us towards our goals. Embrace the pulling. I am.

Love you.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I sit here.

Sometimes I overthink my existence. This mainly takes place when I'm attempting to fall asleep. My mind likes to kick into overdrive at the worst times. This is something I wrote when i was younger about that.

I sit here with an unlit cigarette in my mouth. The butt dangles from the bottom of my lip while I try to impress my friends that so inadequately cant do the same trick. This is a trademark smokers move, but what is really happening inside the smokers mind. Things are starting to form. New worlds are being fashioned like a second creation. I like to think of it as motionless time travel. The brain acts as the machine running the show. It makes numerous stops over a short period of time. Some people would consider this daydreaming, but to me its not. The reality is that all the stops made on this trip will happen in the future. Every passing moment is a new adventure that can only be stopped through pure will power, sometimes that's not even enough to stop the furious mechanism. The couch where I lay my head to rest looks more and more irresistible but that becomes a flame to the fire. My eyes close and depart from the comfort zone that took all day to create. I'm already becoming consumed with the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Thoughts of a house, car, job, wife, children, mortgage, insurance, friends, and God fuel the engine. I think to myself. and wake up.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Random Bank Thought

It's funny how working for a bank feels a lot like working for a dysfunctional Church. Growth for the sake of growth somehow equals success. When did numbers become the standard by which success is measured? When did character and caring exit stage right only to be replaced by delusional kindness and self-glorification? I sat in on a routine morning meeting today where we set goals for our current banking day. Not once in the meeting did I hear any encouragement focused on the employees in attendance, not once did I hear a single statement about caring for the customer, and not a single word was uttered about being ourselves in the workplace. I did listen to a speech of childish discipline. Warning after warning came and went as the employees daydreamed of being on another planet where there was something of substance for their minds to grab on to. The point of these meetings are to grow the number of checking accounts the bank owns. If numbers are up that means the bank makes more money. We accomplish this goal by being as completely fabricated as possible. We try hoke ideas to open new accounts so the government can see what appears to be growth. In actuality it is structural failure. It is a failure because the new accounts we acquire are irresponsible/high-risk customers. These customers actually end up hurting the bank more than helping because they have no foundation on which to stand. A lack of foundation is often the source of a failed business and a failed Church. Churches that seek numbers to be seen as successful in the eyes of the world fail to bare fruit for the Kingdom of God because their leadership has lost focus on what it means to create disciples(people that follow something). The bank falls short in the same area. Leadership looks past individual growth and forgets about restoring and resurrecting its own internal structure. If they focused more on building up the already existing body they would see more results because employees would be happy working for their company. A happy employee equals a more successful employee. Very few businesses realize that taking care of their employees actually saves their industry. The same holds true for the Church. The more a Church disciples its members the more lives those members are going to change. It all starts with leadership. A leader must realize that they are an equal with their followers. This is a difficult concept for most of the world. It is difficult because pride and power are taken out of the leadership equation. It is a concept that requires humility and servant hood. After working at the bank for almost two years I've realized the importance of leaders that have a stable foundation. A stable foundation can only be created when we rid our self-praising attitudes from ourselves. A stable foundation can only be created when we become humble servants. I want to be a humble servant wherever God chooses to place me for His service. We will always fall short of perfection but perfection is not our goal. Our goal is to be caring people of character. Christ takes care of the perfection. Once we realize our true goal is to be Christ-like we can start to change the business world along with the Church.


Turn Around, Bright Eyes...

Well, Bear disagrees that GaGa is brilliant. "A House Divided Will Not Stand". PolarBear (Hannah, in case you forgot), teach him this lesson.

Anyway. Onto some thoughts.

You ever been walking down the road, turn around, and look at where you were? The terrain you crossed? Maybe just realize what it took you to get there?

I did that tonight.

What do Nelly, The St. Lunatics, Tupac, Juvenile, Manny Fre$h, "The No Limit Soldiers", Bone Thugs -N- Harmony, and Dre have in common? Other than the obvious (they are not white and are rappers), each one was a part of my past. More specifically, junior high and high school. For about an hour I reminisced with a couple friends about how much we loved those jams. It brought among more conversations of times past. Good and bad memories. Times that we were in funks. Top moments in our lives. Pretty much the conversation that teaches you more about a person than any other. It brought me to one story.

It was the morning of a December day. I went to bed way too late that night (and one of the craziest things ever happened to me, but that's for a different day). Naturally, I wanted to sleep in. A phone call woke me up that morning. It was my best friend. Not weird for him to call me that early...he did that often to prove to me that he was more responsible than I at that point in our lives. Jobs in high school are overrated. Tone of his voice, way different than usual. He had called to tell me that my girlfriend's dad died. As I type this, I can vividly remember the way I felt. The lack of response. Holding the phone in one hand, as I bent over feeling as though I was going to throw up everywhere. Shaking. I still get that feeling. Every. Time. I remember driving through the remains of the blizzard that had happened the night before to get to her house. The entire time, praying that this was a joke. Like I was getting punk'd. It wasn't until I made the right turn onto Valley View Drive and saw the cop cars that it HIT me. This was reality. I remember walking into the house. There's not a whole lot that I regret in my life. For I have seen good come into a lot of my mistakes. I saw my girlfriend when entering the house. I gave her a half hug. I don't know why. She probably didn't even notice it. But it bugs me. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I'm not sure why I remember that. Why I didn't fully embrace her, I am not sure. But I always look back and wish I had. Although, the showing of community that poured in that house that day was unbelievable, it was one of the worst days of my life. At one point, me and my best friend and girlfriend were laying on a kitchen floor, bawling. Like...river of tears. Confused, pissed, frustrated, sad...beyond sad. One of the worst days of my life. The entire day, I will never forget. I will never forget the food that was brought by friends. I will never forget being in the room at the end of the night sitting with friends and family. I will never forget her mom's words. "We are going to be OK." I will never forget this day. The way it changed everything.

It changed me. For the good. It changed my view of everything. It rocked my world. It made me question my worldview. And through the questioning, an eventual strength that was greater than before. It taught me how to get outside of myself. It taught me compassion. It taught me how to love practically. It brought all of us together. In a weird way, we all knew that there would be a connection, one that would not leave us soon. Looking back at that day, it seems like another life, another world, thousands of years ago. I still love my ex-girlfriend. Obviously not in the way that I did back then. And even if I would never talk to her again, we will always be connected because of that day. All of us. And how it changed us. She has a boyfriend now and is very happy, and I am very happy for both of them. If you would have asked me back then when we broke up, I would have said it was the worst thing that could happen. However, it became clear that it was the best thing that could have happened to either of us. Despite our growth that we experienced, whenever my mind goes to that day, I wish he was still here. He was a great man. Even in the brief period of time, I learned a lot from that man. But that December day. That day is something that I will always remember. Always. Because I loved that family with all my heart. And I always will.

You ever been walking down the road, turn around, and look at where you were? The terrain you crossed? Maybe just realize what it took you to get there? Because more than likely it is a painful, treacherous road. One that often times does not make sense. In the end it seems, we are better for it.

Sometimes, the best thing we can turn around, and look.


Lady GaGa

She's Brilliant. That's all.

I'll post later.


Monday, May 3, 2010

A Constant Reminder

It's good to be back along with Pim once again. I miss that beast of a man more and more everyday. Well lets get started. I wrote this awhile back and would like to share enjoy.

I doubt, I worry, I procrastinate, I am lazy, I lose focus, I lack faith, I am jealousy, I carry other idols, I am needy, I am materialism, I am not genuine, I smile to portray something I'm not, I stay quite when I should speak up, I hold emotions in, I let my attitude dictate others, I am horny, I am lust, I am imprisoned by flesh, I am rude, i am selfishness, I forget the power of His Spirit, I forget to pray, I am routine, I shy away from confrontation, I complain, I do not listen, I do not speak what is on my mind, Satan often offers me advice......

In Response..

I am blessed with two loving parents, a loving brother and sister-in-law, friends that cannot and will not be replaced, a girlfriend that shares her love with me, a house to live in, a car to drive, knowledge at my fingertips, a university that provides a great education, clothes that keep me warm, food that provides me with nutrition, money to give, a bed to sleep in... all of this just because of a cross. All i can do is share that with others.